structure

I need structure. In clothing, I feel best in tailored pants and a blazer or a shift dress. At my desk, I need a hard-back chair to focus with drawers and folders to keep my papers organized. You all know I love a spreadsheet with its rows and columns. Structure means contained and orderly, neat and controlled. So when I left my job two weeks ago (did I tell you that I was leaving?), I was excited to have a few weeks of freedom, to organize my time at my leisure. I was looking forward to spending the days catching up on stuff: cleaning out my closet, working on my blog, looking at apartments. I have a wish list to work through, including walking the Highline and going to a few museums. But the excitement was because there was a deadline, a defined few weeks. I was excited about a new job that I was planning to start in three weeks. Back to structure. But that opportunity is on hold at the moment due to internal discussions. And so, my lack of structure remains indefinitely. I am trying to create routine, a schedule to keep with each day, mixing both excursions in the city with networking and job searching. I must admit that I enjoy my mornings, sitting at Starbucks to read the paper and work on ideas. I am amazed at how many people mill about at 11:00am - who are they and why aren't they working? I am sure they ask themselves the same thing about me. I enjoy wearing my yoga clothes all day, free from makeup. I love walking everywhere, having the time to get from place to place. But I feel unproductive. Guilty. Without purpose. Unproductive because I have yet to find my next place of employment. Guilty to be at the gym at 2:13pm watching Ellen, when I should be making money. Without purpose because I am still searching for that feeling of belonging, that feeling of being a part of something bigger than myself. Perhaps my purpose right now is exactly that, finding purpose in every stage, in every day whether defined by structure or not. A woman stopped me today on the street and asked to borrow my phone. Her phone was dead and she needed to phone her mother. Within five seconds, the following thoughts bombarded my brain: was she going to steal my phone? Was she going to dial some number which would send all of my information to some computer in a van nearby? Was she going to run off with my phone in hand? And then I handed her the phone. She dialed her mother, told her she would be home at 9pm and hung up. She smiled, thanked me while looking me in the eye and wished me a great afternoon. Had I been on my way to work or running to the gym from work, I would have ignored her. Maybe that's what I should have done regardless. Except I was in no rush today. I was walking outside for fresh air, to clear my head away from my computer. The moment reminded me that there is life outside of structure. There is life outside of my own day. The woman had asked five other people before me who just walked by her on the sidewalk. But I stopped to listen. I crave structure. But I also crave interaction. And sometimes when I get in a routine, I forget to actually see, feel, interact with my environment. So tomorrow I will get up, make my bed, head to Starbucks and look around. Who knows what the day will bring? 

togetherness

Today is a day to remember those moments we have together, to cherish the hours, minutes, seconds each day brings. We honor those who lost their lives on a blue sky day without cause ten years ago. They left behind a world, a city, a family. Tomorrow is a new day and another opportunity to live without hate, without violence, without judgement. A new day to live with hope and resolve, with kindness and understanding. Every day is a day to come together. My thoughts and prayers are with all of you and your families. 

happy labor day